


Learning to Love

by lesbeanmum



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:36:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27495832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbeanmum/pseuds/lesbeanmum
Summary: Azu has been heartbroken before. She's allowed herself to have no control and she's tried to have too much. Here is the story of her romantic past, what she's learned and why she hopes that this time, things with her and Kiko might work out.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	Learning to Love

Growing up in their tiny village, everyone had always thought that Azu and Eli would make a good marriage. Of course, they would not force them into it, but their mothers would watch with bated breaths as the children played together. Azu was two months younger, and learned to walk the minute that Eli showed her how. At the age of seven, they briefly distanced, but within the year Azu’s cheeks would become red whenever she was quizzed about the young boy, and one time her brother Emeka proudly reported to their mother that his friend had been asking questions about her. 

So of course, nobody was particularly surprised when they got together. Both mothers were delighted. Emeka in particular was very pleased: he was only a year older, and would be delighted to have Eli as a brother in law. 

Azu was a dedicated girlfriend. She’d show up with a bunch of flowers so often that it was no longer a surprise. Eli would be taking his turn watching the cattle up on the hills and then Azu would turn up with a bunch of flowers. 

Azu had a memory she treasured. It started with the warmth of the sun on her face, and the sound of his voice gently cutting through the ever present sound of the wind in the mountains. 

“Azu…?” 

She was laid on the grass, staring up at the sky, and Eli was sitting up, holding her hand and trying his best to watch the cattle instead of watching her face. He mostly succeeded; the cattle were important and he was growing into a sensible young man. 

“Mmm?” she responded. She was watching the clouds. Sometimes it felt like there was a whole other mountain in the sky, with people she couldn’t see dancing amongst the clouds. 

“What is…” Eli stumbled. He was trying to ask her something casually and subtly. He had already failed to be smooth, but Azu didn’t notice. And if she had, she would have been delighted anway. “What’s your favourite colour?” 

She was grinning and Eli was no longer watching the cattle. “Blue.” she said, pointing up at the sky. “Like there. Or… maybe there?” she adjusted her pointing to what looked like an identical shade of blue. He wasn’t looking at the sky - or the cattle - he was looking at her. 

It wasn’t always so cheerful. Sometimes Azu would turn up to Eli’s games when he was expecting some time with his friends. Sometimes he’d mention he was looking forward to spending some time alone on the hills with the cattle and then she’d turn up with a bunch of flowers. Sometimes he’d get annoyed and they’d argue. But mostly they were happy.

“What do you want?” asked Azu, grinning. Eli had approached her attempting to hide a giant smile and holding something behind his back. 

He laughed and held out something small and glittering. It was a pale blue stone pendant, tied on a smooth black string. “Like the sky…” he said. Then he added softly “Do you like it?” 

Azu swept up her long bushy mass of hair, and turned so he could tie it around her neck. “I love it.”

Their relationship was steady, safe. He knew what he wanted from his life, the land where he was going to build their house, the number of children they'd have running around, the spare room where Emeka could sleep over on the occasions they'd all stayed up too late. He'd thought of everything. And Azu agreed; it sounded perfect.

Then Aphrodite came calling, and all of a sudden, Azu could see herself in another life, as clear as day.

She held his hand and told him of her calling, this future she saw for them, the beautiful kindness that they could share with the world out there. She was certain that they would help so many people. 

"You will come with me, won't you?" She asked, certain the answer would be yes. She would have said yes to him. 

But, silently, he dropped her hand.

Fury raced through her, as if from nowhere, and it scared her - she was not an angry person - but she kept herself calm. He needed a moment to think. 

"Please, Eli? I'd do it for you." she said.

"No, Azu.” He said, almost laughing. “We have a plan. We have a life here." 

Now she was angry. "You have a plan! You made all those choices. I never had a say!" 

He responded, "You have always told me it was what you wanted."

And she couldn’t argue.

They continued talking for much longer, but those phrases were the ones that replayed in Azu’s head each night when she tried to sleep. When she thought about training as a paladin of Aphrodite, any doubt she had played in Eli’s voice. His doubt was the cruel moments amidst the certainty she felt when Aphrodite told her what to do next. But she was making a choice, for the first time in her life, this was hers and only hers. She was leaving everything behind. 

“Azu.” Emeka had said, in a level voice. “This is your choice. If you leave, don’t come back.”

She wanted to sob. She stepped away.

Emeka hated himself for what he’d said. He exclaimed, “Azu! No. I am sorry! I did not mean that. Come back to me, sister.”

She turned. 

“You will always have a home with me,” he promised. 

Azu couldn’t answer. She left.

It was a few months later near the end of her training at the cult of Aphrodite when Azu met Antonie. She was tall, half orc and absolutely stunning. Her long hair was jet black, with vibrant green eyes and her small tusks poked out adorably above her lips, Toni was a stunning woman, she moved with such confidence, with an authority that she was who she should be and where she should be, and the more Azu heard her speak, or laugh, or breathe, she knew the person for her. Toni could breathe a little louder than usual and Azu would feel butterflies in her stomach. Her laughter felt like fireworks, and Toni laughed a lot.

She’d had some sort of crush on Eren Fairhands for all of her training, but this feeling was real in a way that excited her. 

Azu was determined not to make the same mistakes this time. She would not give Toni authority over her, but she was yet to find a middle ground. 

This beautiful woman would say “Let me take you somewhere next Tuesday. How does a picnic sound?” 

And Azu would insist on a restaurant.

Toni decided this was okay; clearly Azu wasn’t a fan of picnics. And a few days later, she’d turn up to changed plans.

“I’ve cancelled the reservations. Look.” Azu proudly gestured to her picnic hamper.

Toni boiled. “What?” she snapped.

“We can go on a picnic.” said Azu, still smiling. 

“You said no to that!” Toni raised her voice, but then drew herself back in. “Azu. You’re soft and affectionate, then you’re suddenly gone. You want me to choose what we do and then you’re sad that I made a choice. I don’t know what you want from me.”

Azu was sobbing suddenly. Toni wanted to wrap her arms around her girlfriend, but she stood her ground.

“I’m tired, Azu. I thought this was going to be fun, but I need to know what you want from me.” 

Azu gasped in a sob, caught between breathing in and out, and Toni wrapped her arms around her.

“I’m sorry!” Azu said. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“I know, darling. I know.” Toni soothed. 

“I don’t want to hurt you!”

“I know! But let’s take a moment for you. Are you hurting?”

Azu nodded and she felt like a child. 

“What do you want?”

Azu wrapped her arms around herself and really thought. “I think I want to make a difference in the world, like Eren Fairhands. 

“Oh… Well... I guess you should focus on that then.”

So Azu decided to take a break from romance. Maybe forever. And it wasn’t long before she found herself in the arms of the L.O.L.O.M.G. It wasn’t easy. She didn’t always do good; there was so much of the world that she didn’t understand, and Azu had grown up so much in the heart of her village that the concept of any human being “unloved” or “unvalued” hadn’t even entered her head. She thought she might have understood Sasha a bit better by the end, that she might have been more the friend that she needed. She hoped so.

And she hurt when she lost her friends. She hurt in ways that she couldn’t express because there wasn’t time to process, there wasn’t time to scream and there wasn’t even time to breathe. There wasn’t a moment beyond the next step, and even when the moments stretched on forever she was being watched. 

She stopped caring about being high priestess. And even though deep down she knew it wasn’t realistic, she could pretend her family was safe beyond reach in the mountains of Kenya. That Emeka would be back home by now. Hamid was where she could reach him. Zolf and Wilde were there. Cel was a new friend, and they were so old that surely she didn’t have to worry about them.

Then, she saw Kiko. And then she talked to Kiko. And then she thought that perhaps the romance thing might be worth another go.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you platoapproved for beta reading (absolutely ages ago before I got busy and forgot).


End file.
